Home Alone

I still haven’t built up enough courage? motivation? energy? to share very much about my personal life.  I can just share that I’m exhausted.  In every sense of the word.  Sitting still on issues makes things worse, acting on issues makes things worse – and by worse, I also am including my anger level.  My body has been rebelling against emotions, or emotions have wreaked havoc with my body – I’m not sure which.   In my mind, lines have been crossed on both sides that have pretty much cemented future relationships in the family – not just the one between myself and my middle daughter (the one who is a runaway – the same one my mother is playing mind games with and harboring her), but the ripple effect we warned her of is happening – somehow I come out to be the big looser, communication is cut only for myself and my husband for whatever reason.  I could understand this if it were coming from a reaction to abuse or lack of love, but this rebelliousness and willingness to concoct a fable for the hearts and minds of others is not something I’m grasping.  I could even understand if this was just a normal desire to move out when one has the means.  She’s old enough – but sneaking out with a lie, during a tantrum?

In the midst of things, I’m home alone today.  My two other kids are volunteering today with their friends (and here I should say that all my kids are now legal adults, students…living with us, I have a 20yo just wrapping up her AA degree and a freshly birthday’d 18yo wrapping up his final year of highschool).  My husband’s shift has him out of the house during most of the day, and the type of work he does exhausts him to the point that while he’s on shift (so many days on, then so many days off), that his at home time isn’t really interactive.  He’s so tired, or rushed, or whatever, on a good day…with all that has gone on in the family with our middle child, he’s also reeling from, hurt and not understanding.  Sad, but in our hurt and brokenness, we’ve both confessed that we’re coming to a point where – while we love our daughter – we are also coming to hate her.  I’ve never had that emotion for my children before, and it brings in waves of anger just for that, and brokenness all over again.

So, with the family around, it still feels as if I’m home alone.  When I discuss things, the emotions are too strong, my voice becomes too strong, and I begin to pour into them everything that I really want to pour into our middle daughter.  And it’s not fair to them.  And they still have a relationship with her, so it’s only serving to pull them away from us.  Which, in part, I understand, but hard not to be frustrated with it at the same time.

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